Need info or resources? I could never forgive her for it. Was anyone there for her? Support for Abuse Survivors. 6. All this winter I grappled with the anger, sadness and disappointment I feel about my mothers unwillingness to see (or maybe she saw and didnt admit) what was happening to me. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. Id say resentment is pretty warranted. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. My mom wouldnt do too much because she wanted to keep peace, so when I finally started yelling back I was the one to get punished. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. I think I didn't word my post too well. One of my older siblings had recently run away from home, an act of defiance that left my mother reeling. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? Good on you She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. Give it time and the resentment will fade. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. Its really about his own psychological damage. 1. I am still angry that when I was trying to leave an abusive husband many years ago, she kept encouraging me to resolve things with him. I needed her, and she just stood by. Click to reveal Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. It's one of the reasons why I knew what was happening in my home was unacceptable. She doesnt really want you to become an independent adult. I suppose I also needed to vent. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? I remember that she didnt look at my face as she applied a cream to the area. Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". . Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. It's very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesn't protect them. But even if it does that's ok. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. Thank you so much for the reply- it definitely resonated with me. At first my step-dad was just a jerk, now it's becoming abusive. I guess I always thought that if things really weren't right, she would do something about it. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. I'm sure we can work through it with time, but for now it does help to know that these feelings are normal and other people have experienced them. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? . She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. Our first five years together were great. When I told her about my dads staring she dismissed me and didnt believe me because dad wouldnt do that. But then one time she caught him and asked him what he was staring at. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. Cookie Notice And how that ties into this? Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. My father is a Narsasicst in the purest sense, gaslighting, abuse, embarrassing me and my mother in front of people, and lies. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. Im not really sure what that even means but you might know for yourself. A hug would have been a good start. I wish I had an answer for you. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more! Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. F narcissistic parents. 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. She has very little to do with our mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. Its really hard to admit it because it is so painful and I didnt really want to deal with that damage. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts. The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. However, adults usually estrange themselves from their parents when they find their parents presence too painful. Performance & security by Cloudflare. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. But she will not be welcomed into my life. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Wow I could have written this myself. laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. Of course, you couldnt have. Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. But his punishment should have been greater. I told them what happened so *they* could tell me it was wrong because I didn't trust my own judgement and I was in denial. I had called the cops many a times, only to see the drunkards running away whenever they chose to pass slurs in my direction. I relate to so very much of this! Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. Healing starts here! , Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. This website is using a security service to protect itself from online attacks. Yes, thank you! But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. I'm mad that she died and he lived. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. It resurfaced once, when my older sister said, Remember when you made all that up about grandad?. Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. PostedJuly 11, 2019 Required fields are marked *. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. I have similar feelings. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. She refused to help me clean and get me groceries when I asked. Press J to jump to the feed. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. He is a grumpy, bitter, depressed old man and she is a lively, sweet, loving woman. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. We do not defend abusers here. Attempts to maintain family harmony, so it is so painful and I have distant. 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